Have loved talking inspiration with you this week! I hope even just one phrase or idea or reminder has burrowed its way into your soul, so that you feel encouraged to go about this vital business of filling up.

So HOW do we find the time to go in search of inspiration? Isn’t that the big question? All of this is great, but where am I going to find the time to live like this?

Here are a few ideas that have helped me order my life so that this “filling up” business is a value and a priority and doesn’t get completely overtaken by the rest of life.

1. Acknowledge your limits. When we are willing to admit that we have limits and when we do the more sophisticated work of figuring them out, and knowing exactly what we can tolerate in a week and then what puts us over the edge and right into turmoil, we can begin to keep ourselves from getting to the point of totally frazzled and crazed. We can also begin to give ourselves grace. “I can’t do it all. No one expects me to. Why am I expecting myself to?” Sometimes finding our limits takes trial and error. You over-schedule one week and you realize it, and you make a mental note not to do that again. Because you can feel your soul sinking and you realize you’ve gotten the balance all out of whack and that you’re not doing well.

2. Assess your needs. It’s like taking your pulse. I begin to feel overwhelmed. I begin to get panicky. I need to stop and breathe. And then I need to ask myself the million dollar question, “What do I need?” Now, sometimes you can’t just take off and go participate in the thing you need. But at least you’re aware of it now and you can schedule it or share it with your partner or a trusted friend or make a u-turn in your car or something like that.  What do I need? A massage, time alone, time with others, a creative outlet, silence, a shower . . . you get the idea.

3. Exercise your options. It’s so easy to see our lives from the perspective of deficit instead of abundance. There’s just no time. There’s just no money. There’s just no energy. There’s just no help. There’s just no support. There’s just no hope. I want to remind you—as I often have to remind myself—you are a capable, intelligent, resourceful person who is able to think, to creatively problem solve, and to make changes in your life. You have a choice. Again, I have to remind myself of this often, when I feel suffocated and trapped and like the only option I have is whether I’m going to sit on the floor in the living room or sit on the floor in the kitchen and play with my kids. You are rarely, if ever, stuck. I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but it’s true.

You can choose how you’re going to order your life. You can choose to cut things out, to add things. You can choose to dye your hair a weird color or save up enough money to buy a big canvas and some oil paints. You can choose to start shopping at thrift stores or to take 30 minutes out of your week and do lunges around your house or load your kids in the car and drive to the beach even though it’s hard. Now, some of you are already building your case. “Well, you don’t know my life, Leeana. I go to school at nights, I work two jobs. I live in a crappy apartment and all of my extra money goes to keeping my old car running.” Well, if that’s your story, then you really are screwed. No, I’m just kidding. Again, I remind you, you are not a victim. You have choices. Can you change everything? No. Can you change something? Yes.

4. Make a plan. Space is not going to create itself. Money is not going to arrive. Time is not going to all of a sudden multiply. Your boss (or your family) isn’t going to realize you need a personal day. You have to be intentional. Remember, these are acts of self-care, of soul-care, and you do them as a discipline, like you’re taking a multi-vitamin or brushing your teeth. So you need to get a plan in order to be consistent. Do you need to sit down with your husband and say that you’re interested in going to a salvage yard in the next month and you’d like him to try his best to understand that this will make you a better wife. And you are going to use the spare change you’ve collected over the next month as your spending money. And you’re asking for a bit of latitude and understanding as you start making inspiration a regular part of your life and your soul-care. Or do you need to sign up for a class or do you need to re-look at your budget or how you’re spending your Sunday evenings or how much TV you’re watching or ???

5. Live by your values. Elaine Hamilton has this great line in her book, Church on the Couch, that says, “The problem is not just that we are too busy (though, absolutely, we often are), but that we are too busy doing too many things we don’t believe in.” Isn’t that the truth?!?!? You feel it when you’re doing something that you don’t believe in. You’re faking it. You’re de-energized. You’re not totally present. When we spend our precious time doing things that aren’t really all that important to our souls, we are just inviting the numbing. Pretty soon we are doing all these things, but our hearts/souls are disengaged. And we’re busy, but we’re not making a difference, we’re not changing our corner of the world.

Amazing passage from Kathleen Norris’ Acedia and Me on the subject:

“We appear to be anything but slothful, yet that is exactly what we are, as we do more and care less, and feel pressured to do still more. We may well ask: if we are always in motion, constantly engaged in self-improvement, and even trying to do good for others, how can we be considered uncaring or slothful? . . . The culture may glorify people who do Pilates at dawn, work their BlackBerrys obsessively on the morning commute, multitask all day at the office, and put a gourmet meal on the table at night after the kids come home from French and fencing lessons, but . . . are these hyperscheduled, overactive individuals really creating anything new? Are they guilty of passion in any way? Do they have a new vision for their government? For their community? Or for themselves? . . . Their purpose is to keep themselves so busy, so entrenched in their active lives, that their spirit reaches a permanent state of lethargy.”

That’s a zinger.

There is nothing more soul-sucking than doing a bunch of stuff you don’t enjoy or believe in. Do we have to do some of that stuff some of the time? YES.  Do we need to act like a martyr about it? NO. In the discretionary time we do have, we need to exercise our ability to choose and to make choices that align with our values.

6. Be courageous. Change is hard. And sometimes, the people around you don’t like it when you change because it disrupts them and their culture. They think you’re being pretentious or self-absorbed or frivolous. That’s okay. If inspiration is going to be one of your life values, then it needs to be a part of your life. Making room for, taking time for, filling up the empty places inside you might require you to gather some courage. Good for you! Hooray! Courage is the new black!!!!

You may have to break some bad habits and start some new patterns. In the midst of wanting to lead a more awake and alive and inspired life, you might hit up against some patterns of thinking or behaving that are causing you to feel stuck. That’s ok. That’s even a little normal. So, you call up a counselor or a pastor or a spiritual director and you say that you are trying to live your life more intentionally but you keep noticing that some things are getting in the way and you might even say that you’re not sure exactly what those things are, but you just have this feeling that you’re not free. And so, in your journey toward inspiration and soul-care, you spend some time talking through the places where you’re feeling stuck or sad or wounded. And this is all part of the process! If you keep cycling back to the same paralyzing thoughts, the same destructive habits, the same unfulfilling relationships, the same debilitating fear, then you’re a little stuck. And you do your very best to gather some courage and to call someone that could help you get unstuck.

Which leads nicely into the last idea . . .

7. Reach Out. It is rare that we are all, at the very same time, on zero. Just reaching out—through a phone call or email or sending up a flare—can be one of the greatest ways we get ourselves back to believing that we can live this awake and alive life after all. Because chances are, the person on the other end of our reaching out might be able to say, “I’m sorry. I understand. I believe in you. When was the last time you did something that really filled you up? I love you. Now, get to work.”

Than you for reading. I love you. Now, get to work.

This is part II of a little mini-series on inspiration. You can see the first post here. You can also just jump in with this post.

I wrote previously that when I’m feeling empty, I try to go about filling up again. One way I do this is by seeking out inspiration.

Sounds good, right?

Well, some of you got right to work on those prompts in my last post, and the minute you started working on them, the minute you started soul-tending, something went terribly wrong.

Some of you wanted to think through those prompts, intended to, really really would have liked to, but every time you sat down to work on them, something went terribly wrong.

Yep, those nasty toxic voices (the enemies) were at it again. Looping and looping and looping, telling you:

• God doesn’t support inspiration. God supports serving and suffering. In fact, good people don’t sit around writing about inspiration. Good people suffer.
• God’s primary goal in your life is to teach you lessons, punish you, and break you, not see you live and love freely.
• This kind of thinking and daydreaming is a big waste of time and only for people who can’t tolerate real life. You don’t have time for this “filling up” nonsense. You’re a professional, for God’s sake.
• The other people, the prettier people, will be able to live an inspired life so much better than you. You’re not very good at this kind of thing.
• And, finally, your outfit is ugly today.

That’s the kind of nutso crap the toxic voices are probably hissing in your ear, spewing their sticky spit.

But you know what God does with spit? He takes it and he mixes it with a little mud and then he puts it on our eyes and he helps us to see. To see the truth. About ourselves and about others and about him.

If you’re feeing covered with toxic spit today, you don’t worry. God can do something incredibly miraculous with even spit. If we’re willing to let him.

So how do we move past these weaseling mantras and pursue inspiration wholeheartedly (to use a beautiful word from Brene Brown)?

1. Are you able to make filling up a PERSONAL VALUE? See, the toxic voices will try to convince you that this is a stupid value to have. So you have to decide if you really want to dig into your soul and see what’s in there or does that actually become a burden and a big pain and a big mess and you’d rather not deal with. Is it going to cost you too much?

(Now, I suspect that for most of you it actually is a personal value or else you wouldn’t still be reading this; however, as we all know, it is one thing to talk about our values and often quite another to live by them.)

• If something is a value, then you give yourself permission to incorporate it into your life.
• If something is a value, you see it as a necessity, not a luxury.
• If something is a value, you engage in it as you would a discipline (i.e. make an appointment with yourself) and not relegate it to “what you’ll do when everything else gets done.”

2. Are you able to TRUST THE PROCESS? Here again, the toxic voices will convince you that if you can’t create something or do something perfectly, it’s not worth starting at all. (i.e. if I can’t make it to yoga 5 times a week, then I’m not going to even start doing yoga. One or two days a week just wouldn’t even matter. OR If I can’t quit my day job to be a writer, then I’m not going to write at all. Unless I have all day to write, it won’t make any difference.)

But what if you just decided to try something that you feel might be filling to your soul and trust that something profound could happen in the process, however imperfect?

For example, you might try oil painting only to discover that you hate oil painting and that turpentine gives you a migraine, but in the pursuit of oil painting, you realize how much you love holding a paint brush and working with color, and you think you want to try water color. So you do, and it’s a huge hit, and you would have never discovered your love for watercolor had you not started down the road of oil.

Do you consider clarification and redirection a failure or a part of the learning process? Are you able to trust the process?

• Trusting the process means tolerating imperfection. Beginning the practice of filling up might mean doing something poorly the first, say, two hundred times you try it. Are you OK with that? See, perfectionism is this terrible drug that keeps us high and unable to access our most profoundly inspired selves. The high keeps us self-conscious and nervous and we are too frenzied to just settle in and do something poorly.
• Trusting the process means redefining “success” and “failure.” Our souls aren’t so concerned about proficiency. Our souls just want us to get out there and get our hands dirty. Love this line from Kathleen Norris: “Jesus reminds us, that it is not proficiency that heals us, but faith, and faith does not traffic with success or failure.” !!!! Can we just have faith in the process instead of counting on our ability to conquer something?

3. Are you able to STOP COMPARING yourself to others? The toxic voices paralyze us by telling us we suck. Newsflash. Someone else will always be able to do it better than you. Period. Comparison kills. So incredibly divisive and paralyzing. What if you could participate in the beauty and loveliness in the world and see yourself doing that in your own way, at your own pace, in your own style, and through your own context . . . instead of insisting on grading yourself against someone else. What if? And at the same time, what if you could appreciate the way other people pace and create and produce and contribute, but you didn’t feel the pressure to have to do it that way?

• When we stop comparing, we are actually able to receive great gifts from each other instead of being threatened by each other.
• When we stop comparing, we begin to believe the best about each other and ourselves instead of the worst.
• When we stop comparing, we begin to understand grace.

Filling up through intentionally chasing down inspiration is a lifelong discipline of self-care and soul-care. It is being connected to myself enough to know when I am empty and what I need to do to start filling up. It is about knowing what is going on in my own soul. It is about hearing the toxic voices (the enemies) for what they are and renouncing them as lies. It is about allowing God to take all the spit and make it into healing mud.

I thought we’d talk about INSPIRATION on the blog this week. So look for a few posts that follow this theme.

Like me, many of you resonated with the anne lamott-ism I shared in a recent post: “sometimes you’re not blocked, you’re empty.” For all of us who are desiring to participate in life, to be alive and awake, the forces out there (“Resistance,” Steven Pressfield might call it OR “Acedia,” Kathleen Norris might call it) can really work against us to numb us out, empty us, leave us listless and stuck.

When I’m feeling empty, I try to go about filling up again. One way I do this is by seeking out inspiration.

When life goes on for too long without any contact with these soul-inspirations, we begin to slowly and surely lose consciousness (like the frog in the pot of water as the temperature is imperceptibly being turned up under him), and we begin to fall asleep and do our lives in a way that is both painful and numbing, and sometimes we don’t even realize it.

The word inspiration literally means “to breathe” or “breathed upon.” So when you think about inspiration, think about the act of breathing in and out. Inspiration is what keeps us breathing, our very breath. And breath, as we all know, is what keeps us alive.

I believe God created the world as a playground of inspiration to us.  And the beauty we find in it is unique to each person here, like an individual poem or song he has written to you and to me and he’s hidden the words and the stanzas and the melodies and the verses in the nooks and crannies of the world and has SET US FREE to find those things that speak to us uniquely.

His very word, spoken to you, spoken to me, is lurking around us.

And what’s so cool is that it’s different for all of us.

For some of you, it’s elephants. You love elephants. And you get weepy looking at elephants because their big ears are so friendly and elegant and their long eye-lashes have an other-worldliness to them, and when you see an elephant at the zoo or a picture of an elephant, you just feel like the world is a better place. That elephant inspires you. Elephants make you feel alive and somehow known in a way that you can’t really explain to anyone else, but in a way that is incredibly true to you if you’re totally honest.

Maybe for you, you can breathe when you have a collection of extra fine tip sharpie markers in your bag. And when you look into your bag and you see hot pink and lime and turquoise and chocolate brown caps, you smile and you feel like the universe is speaking to you, beckoning you, through those markers. That’s inspiration.

For some of you, it’s the sky. And it whispers to you as it changes all day long. And if you take the time in your day to actually listen to what it wants to say to you, you find yourself absolutely hypnotized and really breathing. That’s inspiration.

Maybe one of your primary inspirations is music. Music is, for you, a teleporter or a time machine or a cocoon or a life raft. And when the right music is on, you are transported and enveloped and saved. And your soul feels as if it has been cut open.

Maybe some of you find great inspiration in other people’s creativity. And though you may not be able to come up with ideas or projects or recipes on your own, you love looking at what other people have created and that breathes ideas and life into you, and it motivates you (inspires you!) to get up off the couch and do a little something. So you need to find time to look at other people’s creativity – books, blogs, HGTV, etc. That’s inspiration.

Maybe you need to get your body moving. And when you do, you find that your brain kicks into this other gear and, though it’s so hard to find the time to do it, getting your heart rate up and your body moving and your skin sweating brings you back to life. That’s inspiration.

Maybe you like going to salvage yards and garage sales and junk stores and digging through discarded things in order to find something strange and wonderful that you might refashion into this interesting piece of original artwork. And when you do that, you feel like you have just come alive for the first time and again. That’s inspiration.

Perhaps this is a week when you might go in search of an elephant, purchase some sharpies, spend some intentional time with the sky, put in your headphones, visit a museum, take a walk, troll some garage sales Saturday morning. Perhaps RIGHT NOW is a time to go about filling up. TO BREATHE.

If you’d like to spend some intentional time reflecting on this idea of inspiration, here are some prompts for you to consider . . .

Make a list of anything and everything you find beautiful.

When was the last time you felt really alive? Where were you? What were you doing? Who were you with?

When I ________________, I am being the me-est me.

If you could do anything in your life, what would you do? What keeps you from doing it?

Describe your very favorite place to be. What does it look like, feel like, smell like? Who are you when you are there?

What is saving your life right now? What is killing you?

And while you’re at it, pick one of the prompts and leave us a comment with your reflection . . .

May today hold unexpected Beauty for you!

In honor of mother’s day . . . a repost from a couple of months ago.

{My dear friend Kate is becoming a mom for the first time in just a few short weeks. Her baby shower is today, and because I am a world away, I can’t be there–in person–to celebrate the upcoming arrival of this baby boy. So, I decided to write her a letter, to give her some words she can hopefully hold onto in the days ahead.}

Dear Kate, aka KKJ,

After I became a mother for the first time, as you are now on threshold of becoming yourself, I spent a lot of time in fear. I feared how much my life had changed—the ways it had narrowed and the ways it had expanded. I feared that I would lose myself to Luke and Lane’s needs and care. I feared I would never be able to become the woman I wanted to be. I feared that I would always feel exhausted. I feared that Luke would pick up a drug habit at the age of nine and Lane would become a fan of Britney Spears at any second. I feared they would break my heart. I feared the monotony, and I also feared the grand adventure. I feared how much I loved them, too, because the love was like the force of a tidal wave sweeping you up and tossing you around.

I underestimated the losses and I also underestimated the gains, which is to say that the whole entire enterprise of motherhood caught me so off guard with it’s primal intensity that I am only now, still, recovering.

And four weeks ago, I got another stab at it. I got baby Elle. This time around—by some Grace—a few lights have been turned on where there had previously been shadows.

I can see now that becoming a mother for the first time was hard. I can see now that I believed it was hard because I believed I was failing in some way. But, the truth is, it was just hard. And I can see that so much more clearly now.  I can see how tired I was and how much pressure I was feeling and how much grief I was experiencing. And how all of that was normal and natural, and yet I punished myself for it.

What I want to say to you, Kate, is that you will have to walk through, crawl through, dig through this first experience of becoming a mother. There’s no short cut. You have to go through it. But on the days when it feels hard, I want you to remember something. Paint this on the wall of the nursery if you have to. It’s not hard because you’re failing. It’s hard because it’s hard.

And if you can remember that, you can make it. You can be a good companion to yourself. You can see yourself through the eyes of kindness and grace and compassion—as Christ sees you, as we see you—the most brazen shade of beautiful.

And one more thing . . . because I have learned there’s a magic elixir to fear . . .

On the days when you are hog-tied by the treacherous tethers of “how am I doing at motherhood?” I want you to remember the truth, which is, precious Kate, that the most transformational thing in all of time, in all of story, in all of the world is LOVE.

How you’re performing at motherhood is the false, and love is the true.

No matter how questionable your personal hygiene gets, no matter how much you want to kill Michael, no matter how desperate you are for sleep, no matter how badly you need a pedicure, no matter how breastfeeding goes or how your delivery turns out or how good of a sleeper you have on your hands . . . YOU. WILL. LOVE. THIS. BABY. BOY.

I recently received the most amazing children’s book* from my mother-in-law. I cried when I read it because it brought me back to what was most essential in my relationships with Luke, Lane, and Elle. And that is love.

I can get really mixed up and turned around and swamped by shame when it comes to all the messages whirling around me and inside me about motherhood. But this book reminded me that something far deeper, far truer exists. And that is, simply, my great love for these crazy kids.

Here are a few lines from the book for you to take with you:

If someday you’re lonely,

Or someday you’re sad,

Or you strike out at baseball,

Or think you’ve been bad . . .

Just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.

That’s me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass . . . in the smell of

The sea . . . in the clouds floating by . . .

At the top of a tree . . . in the sound

Crickets make at the end of the day . . .

“You are loved. You are loved. You are

loved,” they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and

so deep. It’s always right there, even

when you’re asleep.

So hold your head high

And don’t be afraid

To march to the front

Of your own parade.

If you’re still my small babe

Or you’re all the way grown,

My promise to you

Is you’re never alone.

You are my angel, my darling,

My star . . . and my love will find you,

Wherever you are.

So you are already triumphant, Kate. You are already the most amazing mother. Because, I know you, KKJ. And you know how to love.

Even a world away . . . I see you. I hear you. I love you.

Leeana

(*Wherever You Go My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman)

some years ago, at my mom’s 60th birthday party, i read the poem, “continue,” by maya angelou. i wanted my mom to know that no matter her age, her life stage, her sense of productivity . . . my wish for her was that she would continue. continue to be as fierce and as feisty and as faithful as she has always been. continue to inspire all those who know her, as she continues to inspire me. i love you, mom. you are a vision. a rare beauty. please, for my sake and for so many others’, continue . . .

for this mother’s day weekend, i re-dedicate “continue” to my mom, and i also send it to you as a dose of written courage . . . that you might continue keeping the faith, fighting the fight, protecting, advocating, believing, creating, forgiving, loving, being.

in this world that aims to numb us and paralyze us with its lies, may we . . . continue. perhaps this might be the most revolutionary thing we could do.

“continue”

On the day of your birth

The Creator filled countless storehouses and

stockings

With rich ointments

Luscious tapestries

And antique coins of incredible value

Jewels worthy of a queen’s dowry

They were set aside for your use

Alone

Armed with faith and hope

And without knowing of the wealth which awaited

You broke through dense walls

of poverty

And loosed the chains of ignorance which

threatened to cripple you so that you

could walk

A Free Woman

Into a world which needed you

My wish for you

Is that you continue

Continue

To be who and how you are

To astonish a mean world

With your acts of kindness

Continue

To allow humor to lighten the burden

of your tender heart

Continue

In a society dark with cruelty

To let the people hear the grandeur

Of God in the peals of your laughter

Continue

To let your eloquence

Elevate the people to heights

They had only imagined

Continue

To remind the people that

Each is as good as the other

And that no one is beneath

Nor above you

Continue

To remember your own young years

And look with favor upon the lost

And the least and the lonely

Continue

To put the mantel of your protection

Around the bodies of

The young and defenseless

Continue

To take the hand of the despised

And diseased and walk proudly with them

In the high street

Some might see you and

Be encouraged to do likewise

Continue

To plant a public kiss of concern

On the cheek of the sick

And the aged and infirm

And count that as a

Natural action to be expected

Continue

To let gratitude be the pillow

Upon which you kneel to

Say your nightly prayer

And let faith be the bridge

You build to overcome evil

And welcome good

Continue

To ignore no vision

Which comes to enlarge your range

And increase your spirit

Continue

To dare to love deeply

And risk everything

For the good thing

Continue

To float

Happily in the sea of infinite substance

Which set aside riches for you

Before you had a name

Continue

And by doing so

You and your work

Will be able to continue

Eternally

(originally written as a birthday gift to Oprah Winfrey)