Subscribe viaThought you might enjoy reading a guest column I did for www.wivesoffaith.org, a fantastic website that provides support and inspiration to military wives and families.
The Slipper Slope of Coping
I talked with a Navy wife the other day. She has five children, and her husband is preparing for his fourth deployment. I asked her how she was handling it all, and she coolly (read: defensively) told me she was doing “just fine.”
She added that she gets so frustrated when military wives struggle with their situation. “We knew what we were getting into when we signed up for this marriage. We have no right to complain.”
I stared back at her, somewhat pained, knowing she was not doing “just fine” and fairly sure she had made the mistake many of us make, which is to simply dismiss any kind of honest confession for complaining.
Some of us have gotten good, maybe even too good, at coping. We steel ourselves into this pillar of strength, and we challenge anything to penetrate our armor. Meanwhile, we may or may not be feeling that same way on the inside, underneath our self-protective layers.
The problem with practicing this kind of incongruence—the outside and the inside at odds with each other—is that we get used to living split off from our true selves. We become accustomed to denying what’s actually going on inside us, and this creates a person who cannot be honest about her pain, cannot let others see her weakness, and cannot tolerate any kind of authentic struggle in others.
This woman sends the subtle (or not so subtle) message to her friends and to her children that the real winners are those who suck it up and deal with it and never let anyone see them sweat.
How incredibly isolating this behavior becomes for everyone. Yes, others may see us as amazingly stalwart, but they will never see us approachable. This keeps everyone dancing around each other at a safe distance, never really able to offer help and support. How sad! All of us in need, and yet none of us able to access our own emotions or each other’s.
So how do we decipher between complaining and true confession? Complaining is all about staying stuck, rehearsing the injustices with no desire to see things differently, change behavior, or receive support. Complaining is about wallowing and whining, unconcerned with growth, maturity, or transformation.
Confessing is something different altogether. Honest confession is an externalizing of an inward conversation for the purpose of gaining insight, releasing a burden, or admitting reality.Confession leads to movement and helps us get out of the grind of merely coping. It opens doors to growth and change because it is an act of congruence. By externalizing—sharing—our true state of affairs, we are better able to identify what we need and how we might be able to engage in some simple acts of self-care.
So, let me practice what I’m preaching.
If you were to ask me how I’m doing with 17-month old twins, a Navy SEAL husband who is in and out on travel, and the delicate situation of all of us living with my mother in her house, I would tell you the following:
“I’m tired. I’m trying to be honest about how exhausted I feel and, instead of pushing myself all the time (read: punishing myself for not doing my life better), I’m slowing down when I can.”
What does that slowing down look like? Glad you asked.
“I’ve started yoga twice a week. I’m taking naps when my kids nap. I’m reading more and watching TV less. All of these things are good for the soul. In addition, I’m trying to figure out some fun things my family can do together when my husband is home because we need more fun in our lives right now.” Then I might add, “So, tell me what you do to take care of yourself in the midst of this stressful life? And what do you do for fun as a family? I could use some suggestions.”
And then you might offer me some great ideas of how you and your family are getting through the ever-changing days of military life.
Beautiful, huh.
Isn’t that so much better than, “just fine”?
(BTW, I really would love to know how you take care of yourself and how you create fun for your family. So post a comment and share the wealth!)
Leeana Tankersley
As usual, this brought tears to my eyes. I have been here for too long. At some point, it becomes easier (and quicker) to just say “im fine”. Especially when you don’t want to bog another burdened person down. The problem is exactly what you said…you aren’t true to yourself and sooner or later it will bite you in the butt. So I am trying to figure out how to destress in this busy-busy-busy stage of life…My kids will be grown soon, yes. I went to yoga the other night. It was nice. I think I need to sweat, however. I have discovered I have to pray my fears out loud as I drive to work. I am trying to no look in the mirror as much…And I am trying to be honest with myself. As for fun, we need more too. But one thing that has been fun is swim lessons as a family. We all go and we all cheer on Sage. It has been good for us, although not convient.
Ahh yes, those of us who tend to be natural stoics also tend to be great at “coping”. But then I also am reminded I am so blessed compaired to so many others—–however, I don’t always want comparisons, so I take time for me. Regular massages, walks, exercise, a great glass of wine, grand baby time, a weekend in Pebble. Now I am starting to sound spoiled! As we age we get better at taking care of ourselves–all you young girls need to start sooner. And, don’t waste your life trying to make someone else happy, it is impossible. Hope my advice helps some young soul out there.
Leeanna – Your distinction between complaining and confession is right on…and a great reminder! I love participating in a group prayer with my girlfriends where we use the ACTS model…Adoration (words of prayer honoring God for who He is), Confession (of sins known and unknown), Thanksgiving (for what God has done in our lives) and Supplication (requests). We’ve all called it a “spiritual spa” to pray together this way – and it points us to making changes and letting go of bitterness or negativity. We simply see hope again as real and attainable in our daily lives, I think.
As for fun with my family – I recently bought 10 large syringe-style squirt guns at the dollar store and we’ve had some amazing water wars in our back yard (we didn’t really need 10 for our family of four, but then neighbors can join us when they want!). It’s been the best $10 I’ve spent in a long time! We also love doing anything out in nature…hikes at our local forest nature park are awesome and refreshing for all of us.
Thanks for your encouraging reminders, sister!